my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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