well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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