Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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