How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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