just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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