You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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