I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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