U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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