sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
