Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
