thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
