theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Boobs are out for the taking
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
