I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
