i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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