Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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