If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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