Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
