You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
