I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
