but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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