I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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