This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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