I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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