Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
