Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
