when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
