Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
