Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
