you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
