Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
