South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
