just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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