Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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