thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
