I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
