I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Too much gin, very little bucket
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
