brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
