I wish I could teleport
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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