Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
