Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
being pregnant is like rehab
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
