seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
