I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
