Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
