Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
