You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
