These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
