FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
