Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
