ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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