my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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