she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
