This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
