those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just gargled with NyQuil
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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