I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
