meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
