ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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