i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
