if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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