Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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