Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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